It was Election Day when Tim and I decided we wanted to have a baby. By the end of the month we were pregnant and by the second week of December, we miscarried. The news came out of nowhere and I was so caught off guard! We allowed ourselves one day to mourn and then we made the decision to only speak life. I looked at myself in the mirror and declared it was illegal for my body to miscarry even though the words of the doctor, “If you were pregnant, you aren’t any more” resounded in my head.
We miscarried that pregnancy, but a month later we were pregnant again.
We watched a Kris Vallotton message on BethelTV and he said, “This is for people here and also for those watching by BethelTV. You experienced a miscarriage and you’re pregnant again…you will carry to full-term”. Man, I took that for myself and never once feared I would lose little Claire. She would be full-term!
Fast forward to my labor/delivery. As I mentioned in my previous post, it wasn’t what I believed for. My list was as follows: Full-term baby, symptom-free pregnancy, uncomplicated delivery, and pain-free labor. There was no question I would have a full-term baby, I had minimal symptoms during the pregnancy, but (as you know) the final two were blown out of the water.
The day after I had the baby I asked the Holy Spirit to tell me why I experienced something completely different than I wrote on my vision board. He IMMEDIATELY answered, “Your words.” He then brought to my memory a series of conversations in which I came into agreement with circumstances opposed to my vision for labor. In fact, in almost every conversation I had about labor/delivery I never once corrected a wrong report, I only agreed. WHY?
The answer was pride. I was afraid of appearing naïve by contradicting these contrary reports and this proved my unbelief.
Then the Holy Spirit reminded me that a double-minded man should expect to receive nothing. I hadn’t been renewing my mind; I let everything go on auto-pilot, and when I got punched in the face by an unexpected experience, I only had the presence of mind to bring Jesus into managing the situation instead of changing it.
I learned that it’s so important to stay grounded. When up against the choice to stand on what I believed vs. damage control, I found it easier to let the situation lead me (until there was a chance I’d end up in a hospital). It’s like when we get a cold: we know God heals, but it can sometimes be easier to ride the cold out then to rest in God’s promises.
I will never be caught off guard again. If faith activates the promises of God, I want to be so full of Him on a daily basis that no matter what happens my “auto-pilot” is God and not emotion. Don’t be afraid of sounding naïve – who cares! When it comes down to it, I’d rather have the testimony and sound like a fool than to go with the flow and misrepresent the goodness of my Father. I want to show Him off in every situation, but my capacity to do that is tied directly to the investment I put in our relationship. The more I know Him, the better I can reveal Him. It isn’t about working for his promises; it’s about KNOWING Him enough to be able to rest in his promises.
GO FOR THE TESTIMONY.
The confidence I had about carrying a full-term baby should have been the way I felt about everything else. The beautiful thing is that I now know what it feels like to rest.